The Bleeding Bride

My excellent friend Chelsey is getting married in less than a month- she is one of the silliest and most joyous people I know, and I fell in love with her instantly when I met her, 6 years ago. She's all kinds of crazy, but she also embraces fun with the spirit of a child. That's probably why she is such an amazing teacher, and why she'll be an unbelievable Mother.

For a wedding shower gift, I gave her a set of knives. I received her thank you card yesterday- it's a perfect example of her charm.

Sniff, sniff.

We've got colds, and we've got 'em bad. Piper sounds like Kathleen Turner, and I sound like Harvey Fierstein, after eating a carton of cigarettes, with Tone-Loc caught in my throat. Ruby & Lily are swimming in snot, and I think their first words are going to be, "Mother, if you don't get that nose suction thing out of our faces, we are going to grow up and date twin brothers named Killer and Roach." Right now, they are just saying it with their eyes.

Robb brought me home some spicy soup to clear my head up. It worked, but when I sneezed, I burned off the dining room curtains.

Must go- slugs are crawling out of the babies' noses. Ugh.

Here is a pic of a non-snotty baby- my gorgeous nephew, Hale. He is 2 months younger than the twins. What can I say, my family likes to breed.
Behold the shmoopie shweetie handsome boy:

Hello, my name is Eve...

... and I watch Laguna Beach. At first, I only watched it socially- occasionally...almost as a joke. Things progressed, and now I'm ashamed to admit that I Tivo it, and watch episodes more than once, sometimes even alone, and before noon. I hum the theme song when I think nobody is listening. I can't wait to see what kind of bitchy drama Cami and Kyndra will invent next week. Will they crash Raquel/Rocky's Christmas party? Will Cameron cheat on Jessica? Will this show kill off the rest of my brain cells? It is the Perfect Storm of fake reality, rich, spoiled teenagers, and their moronic relationships and conversations.

I never thought that this could happen to me- a married, 35 year old mother of 3.

But it did.

It could happen to you.

Now. Let's speak no more of this, and instead, look at the pretty pictures.


Sisters



Princess Piper in her new favorite outfit



Giant, gaudy, plastic diamonds are a girl's best friend



Lily & Mich having a napping contest- Lily is ahead by a nose



Kissyface

Milestones Shmilestones

Ruby and Lily both rolled over from their tummies to their backs today, for the first time ever! On the same day! Totally out of the blue! Pretty twinnish of them, dontcha think? Up until now, they'd just lay on their tummies in chubby, furious squirming rages, blowing snot on the playmat, and cursing me. But this morning, they both woke up, grabbed hold of each others onesies, and decided together, "Enough of this tummy time bullshit- it's ending here and now." And they flipped over. And then they both blew orange poop out the side of their diapers, onto my duvet cover, just to get their points across about who is boss now. I'm assuming they will be ganging up on me like this from here on out, and Piper will be the lookout.

So I guess I'll have to be more careful about leaving the babies on the bed, couch, or steep cliffs of any kind. (Note to self: Cancel Mommy & Me Rock Climbing class.) I'm surprised they are rolling already, because Piper didn't roll until 5 months, and they are only 3 months "adjusted age". The Dr said to go by adjusted age (their intended due date of June 1st, instead of their actual April 24 birthdate) for all milestones until they're a year old. I try not to obsess over "milestones", like some mommies, (we all know those Super Competitive Professional Milestoners,) because, really, as long as the kids have enough teeth to eat with, and are walking and talking before they turn 18, I will feel no guilt throwing them out of the house.

I'm just kidding, we will escort them out nicely, as Robb and I need someone to change our Depends and hand us the remote control when we are too old and senile to roll over ourselves.


You want us to what??!



Piper will be far too consumed by her Mad Scientist/Fashion Designer career to care for Robb & I.



ps- In reality, the thought of my sweet baby girls ever leaving home makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and dry heave. I'm sure this will pass when they are 13 and 15.

Don't eat the chocolates

Since we introduced the Big Girl Bed into Piper's room, she has been taking full advantage of the sweet, cribless freedom within her bedroom. She knows she has to stay in the room, and she does, but she'll often play happily for several hours, reading her books and chattering in mysterious languages to her stuffed animals. Since this was cutting into her much needed nap time, I removed the superfluous books and toys from her room, hoping she'd get bored and go to sleep faster. Instead, she got creative- taking her clothes out of the dresser, the diapers and wipes out of their packages, and disassembling her rocking chair. I will often go to wake her up from her nap, and she'll be wearing three hats, a backpack, and be covered in wipes and a chair cushion, passed out on her bed.

Today, during "nap time", I heard her door opening and closing upstairs, so I went up to tell her to go to sleep. As I approached her room, I saw something on the floor outside her door. It was a turd. I was seriously hoping that the dog had done it, and not my sweet daughter. Apparently, my dog is the more well mannered of the two. When I opened her door, instead of the stinky pooptastrophe I was expecting, I found Piper sitting calmly in bed, fully clothed and diapered, reading a book.

* INSERT TWILIGHT ZONE MUSIC HERE *

I changed her, and she did indeed have a poopy diaper. How and why she extracted that lone turd nugget from her drawers, and banished it from the room is beyond me. Was that one chunk particularly offensive to her? Was it a bizarre offering to the Potty Gods? I can't be sure. I only know one thing for sure.

Toddlers are weird.

Angel vs Tasmanian Devil

Going for a walk is FUN!





Not going for a walk is NOT FUN!!!

ADDED NOTE: Those are dolls in the double stroller. I really don't take my daughters out naked... unless I haven't done laundry in 2 weeks.