I left my pants in San Fransisco

We did so much walking on the steep and winding roads during our AMAZING trip, that I wore out my favorite pair of jeans, and had to leave them at the hotel. Farewell, my comfortable and perfectly fitting friend...

We are back, and exhausted from three full days of binging on Rice-a-Roni and contemplating our sexuality. ba ha.
First of all- it was such a romantic weekend. Thank you, Robb, for always sweeping me off my feet. You just keep getting better, and I keep getting more of a crush on you with every passing year.

For a town that hosts a gigantic Gay Pride Parade, which we missed by an hour or so, there are a surprising number of homophobics. As Robb and I stood on a street corner waiting for a cab, a carload of "hooligans" drove by and shouted, "Nice jacket, faggot!" The odd thing was that I was wearing a jacket... my husband wasn't. Am I a faggot? I do like men... Ironically, I've never been called a faggot in Calgary- a city that is chock full of cowboys and rednecks. Also- the homeless people are a lot more creative with their panhandling there. One sign read, "My wife has been kidnapped, and I am short .85 for her ransom." I for one, appreciate the originality.

A few fun places in San Fran-

Union Square, of course- Trolleys, abundant shopping, and great old buildings. Love it.

DSW Shoes- Shoes of all sizes, colours, shapes, styles, and socio-economic backgrounds from all over the world live there together in a peaceful shoe utopia. And like a Thai whore, any one of them will go home with you for a reasonable price.

The Starlight Lounge- At the top of the Drake Hotel, such an old style, groovy lounge. Watching an 80 year old couple dance to a rap remix of "Let's Get it On" is just good stuff.

The Red Room- The trendy bar in the Clift Hotel, where we stayed the first night. Cool pictures of people that watch you, and move ever so slightly. I would not want to be stoned in there. Apparently, all of the furniture and walls are made from one giant Redwood tree. Expensive, but good drinks and food.

Fisherman's Wharf- Amazing clam chowder served in sourdough bread bowls, and the Bush Man, who jumps out and scares people all day long. That's entertainment.

Robb and I like to imagine that we are very rich and important while on vacation, like we are celebrities who are slumming and do not wish to be bothered. Please! We came here to relax and unwind from our busy filming schedules and concert tours! No pictures! We enjoy splurging, shopping, and going to hip places. So it's a bit of an adjustment to settle back into regular life, but also nice. Although I love being fabulous in California, I also love our life here , and I missed my girl's sweet face.

Now for pictures:

The Bush Man- scaring the shit out of tourists for over two decades. 

No time for pictures, must do more shopping! 

Alcatraz from the trolley 

This meal is disgusting, but at least my coffee is putrid! Wheeeee! 

Robb enthusiastically eats his greasy, tasteless breakfast with glee! 

Trolley in Union Square 

The cozy Monaco Hotel- we like it! 

The cold and overpriced Clift Hotel. Seriously- celebrities stay here? WHY?! 

Partners in Crime

I walked in on my two kids, the Hairy Yellow One, and the Younger One, completely engrossed in an intimate whispering session. This is what I could make out, amongst the babbling and hushed tones:

HYO: Alright, Pinkie, I want you to ask for cheese. Get that? CHEESE. You can say it if you try.. the woman doesn't understand me when I ask for it. You must ask for both of us. Then push it onto the floor, where I will be waiting. Got that?

YO: I can try, but the woman doesn't understand me either. She is clearly hard of hearing. I tell her. "EEEEEEH, EEEAAAHHTSH!", and she stares blankly at me. She is slow.

HYO: Do as I say, or I will knock you over with my powerful whip tail and make it look like an accident. Also, I will steal everything you ever try to eat again.

YO: OK, I will do it, but BE COOL. Don't stand right under my highchair or the woman will know something's up...

Then they noticed me, and tried to act like nothing was up, as you can see in the second picture.

YO: Oh, heeey doggie! Nice necklace! Is that pewter? It's so shiny and pretty... and MONOGRAMMED, oh my!

HYO: Ruff ruff! pant, pant, pant!

They are so slick, those two.

Whispering 

We're not doing anything... 

My Daddy is a GIANT! 

Nightmare on Eve Street

I had one of those nights last night when you lie in bed and can't sleep because your mind is racing with every terrible and embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you in your life. It starts off with one tiny negative thought, then snowballs into a hideous montage of memories that you feel as if you're reliving. I will not go into too much detail, because that would make me vomit all over my keyboard, but here are a few highlights from my own personal hell:

- The time I got the giggles at my friend's mom's funeral... ughhh. I hate myself.
For anyone else who has had this happen to you- I'll see you in hell!

- The time in high school when I was BOOOOed on stage.. GAHKK! Hoouuummphhh! Gulp.
(That was me swallowing back my vomit...)

- The time I farted in a bookstore.

There is more, but I will leave it at that. Suffice it to say that last night I felt like peeling off my skin and running screaming into a brick wall. I actually took a sleeping pill to try to end the mental torture, but it continued into my nightmares. I am exhausted today from beating myself up and need a nap.

But then....
My sweet husband made it all better when he left me a note that said, "Wanna go for a ride next Thursday?". It had a picture of a railcar in San Fransisco on it. WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!! We are going to San Fran for the weekend next week!!!!!!! YAAAAAYYY!! He is such a dream come true!!! He is a sexy piece of ass, AND he rocks at surprises. Lucky lucky me!

Oh, the Horror

On the day I gave birth to my darling baby girl, my husband and I sat together in the hospital room, completely enraptured with the amazing, pink, wrinkly creature we had created together. We were aglow with pride and euphoria - it was a golden moment, other than the fact that I was bloated up like I'd been floating in a river for 2 months.... But otherwise, everything was perfect.

Then things took a disturbing turn. We decided to cut her fingernails, so that she would not scratch her beautiful, delicate, peachy, delicious, sweet face. So I gently held her tiny hand as Robb took the teensy tiny nail clippers and began to CUT THE TIPS OF HER FINGERS OFF!!!! Aww, we love you so much, welcome to the world our precious darling, now let us dice you into pieces!

You see, newborn babies' fingernails are not completely detached from the skin yet, as we traumatically found out on that dark, dark day. Some new moms actually nibble the nails off with their teeth, as it apparently is easier to navigate than with clippers on something so small. Thank god I didn't try that, as I would rather be diced into pieces myself than EAT MY OWN CHILD'S FINGERTIPS!

I cried and cried, as my baby bled from her hands, and then wiped her face, leaving streaks of blood across her cheeks. Oh, the Horror! I could not stop weeping, and raged at my poor husband, who must have felt even worse than I did. My worst fears had been confirmed- we were cruel and shitty parents, as well as butchers of babies, and had no idea what we were doing. The tiny scabs on Piper's fingers served as a daily reminder of that for 5 days. Thank god baby skin heals so quickly, it was almost the end of me.

I am happy to report that I am now a nail clipping expert, and have had no bloodshed complaints at all since that first day.

Make way for the rude midget!

If I were trapped in the body of a 15 month old, this is what I could get away with...

I am in a crowded market with my mommy, running around, because I do NOT want to sit in a stroller, AND YOU'D BETTER GET THAT STROLLER OUT OF MY FRIGIN' SIGHT, before I throw something at your face!!! So, I am bumping into people's legs. When they look to see who's bumped into them, I ignore them, push their legs out of the way, and stagger off into someone else's legs. I grab everything in my reach that I feel like touching, and throw a few things on the ground, ignoring the vendors, and anyone else who smiles at, or talks to me. When I start to get bored, I will start SCREAMING and whining, then throw myself on the floor, arching my back and thrashing my head around, going into angry convulsions while people stare in horror. I let my snotty nose run down my face and into my mouth, and feel no urge to wipe it whatsoever, as I make direct eye contact with strangers and lick the snot off of my lips. Even though I am a total disgrace to all etiquette and manners, people will still smile and coo sweetly to me. If I am so inclined, I may stop and do a little dance in the middle of the aisle, as people make room for me and my impromptu wiggling session. No problem, everyone will accommodate my odd behavior. For I am 15 months old! Get out of my way!

I love you... hey! Why are you running away?!

I have 2 TV crushes right now. The first is Meghan Mullally from Will & Grace- every little facial expression and gesture she makes is the funniest thing in the world. Her real personality cannot be anywhere near as good as her TV one. Therefore, she should always stay in character, lest my affection for her wanes. Also, Jon Stewart from the Daily Show. When he smiles, I smile, involuntarily. I've tried not to, but it is useless. I love him. He is smiling direcly at me. He teaches me about politics, and I laugh at all of his jokes, even the stupid ones. Our relationship is strong.

It has been raining for 3 weeks, which is unheard of here. It's so depressing, when will it end? My hair is not set up for such weather. I've applied frizz prevention products, but my hair just laughs at me as it curdles and frays before my very eyes. I only moved here because of the dryness. If it continues for much longer, I will be leaving my family, friends, home, and dog for a less humid new life in Arizona. They can visit me there, where I will be brushing my shiny and smooth, non-frizzy locks and smiling.

I'm no Martha Stewart

I made some delicious beef tenderloin and vegetables for dinner tonight, mmmm. It is the first time I've cooked a real meal just for myself, (and Pinkie) in ages, and the only reason I did is because I'd already thawed the meat out, thinking Robb would be home for dinner. It would physically hurt me to throw away $20 worth of freshly slaughtered cow.. I loves me some red meat. Robb is, of course, at the restaurant, being fed by his new wife, our chef. (And working...)
I think that if I weren't married, I would never cook - I'd exist only on cans of tomato soup and cheese slices. I'd be a sad, hungry, toothless, sunken eyed, scurvy ridden mess within a year. Unless I became stinking rich and could afford a chef of my own. My laziness and disinterest in cooking is only overcome by my love for my family and the perverse joy it gives me to nourish them. I cannot wipe the smile off my face as I sit here now, watching my carnivorous daughter shove beef in her face as fast as she can, while looking at the peas as if they were a pile of rabbit turds and thumb tacks I'd placed before her. It's quite funny that the 2 things she loves most are the same 2 things I craved while pregnant with her- red meat and anything super sour, like lemons, rind and all. Now she is also enjoying a diced zesty garlic pickle with reckless abandon. Now grunting for more meat and pickles. She'd probably be quite satisfied existing only on steak and cocktail garnishes.
Isn't that the Atkins diet? She's so chic.

What goes in, must come out...

The restaurant opening was great! About 100 people showed up, and most stayed until midnight, not too shabby for a Tuesday night. Everyone was full of compliments about the decor and food, and seemed to have a good time. Then again, if people aren't enjoying themselves while being served free food and booze- you're doing something seriously wrong. I was so busy shmoozing and entertaining, that I forgot to take any pictures- so unlike me. I'm working on Saturday night, so I'll take some pics then.

On the home front, I think Piper has a second stomach. I first began to suspect this last week, when she was eating an ungodly amount of green grapes every day. I kept waiting for the imminent "green grape diaper incident", but it never came... until yesterday. We may have to repaint her room due to the fumes from that diaper change. The only explanation for her ability to store it up for an entire week, while still having normal daily poops, can only be explained by a second stomach sac. Today for dinner, I gave her a large helping of shell noodles and tomato sauce. She inhaled it and screamed for more. Not wanting to starve my growing baby, I gave her another generous helping. Gone. Screaming for more. Surely she would know if she were too full, wouldn't she? Gave more. Ate it. I began to fear that she would throw up, because there couldn't possibly be room for all that pasta in her little body. It has to be in the freshly emptied 2nd stomach.
Afterwards, in the tub, I felt her tummy, and it was as hard as a rock. Then she got up onto her knees and gave me a very serious look, making me wonder what she was thinking. Then, "BLURP BLURP BLOOP BLURP PFFFFFFT!" I think she was clearing all of the air out of her 2nd sac to make room for the pasta. I felt her tummy and it was back to normal. Veeeeery interesting...
*Note to self- buy more yellow paint in preparation for next week's "shells from Hell" diaper

Cranky

Piper and I were just awoken from what was shaping up to be a glorious nap by something that sounded like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre next door. I am so sick of living in a construction zone! What are workmen doing using power tools in a rainstorm anyways!? Isn't that dangerous? I have enough wood scraps, stucco remnants, and building debris scattered on my property without adding electrocuted corpses to the mess.
Now that I'm up, I guess I'll take the dog out to have a pee, on one of the workmen's legs if possible. I'm a bit grumpy without enough sleep, can you tell?

Now that Piper's figured out how to stack things to crawl up onto the couch and out of her play yard, I can't leave her for one minute alone. I have to take her out in the rain with me to walk the dog. Awesome!

Extreme Close-up

Here I am, in all of my 34 year old glory. I have tried to "special effect" away the eye bags & wrinkles, and the scar on my lip, but this is the best I could do. I wish I could somehow carry the "Soften & Glow" Picasa option with me in real life. I am trying to make peace with my crooked nose, but I'm not quite there yet. Hey- I already told you I am shallow and vain. I will use this shot as the "before" for my Extreme Makeover, ha.

Pinkie & I have snotty colds today, so we're staying indoors to snuggle and play and wipe our noses. When the beloved babysitter arrives, I'll run a few errands for the restaurant. One more sleep until we OPEN!

Peekaboo, I see you! 

Dancing Fool 

My Guy

I absolutely love this picture of my husband. He looks so handsome and goofy. He is beyond drunk, dancing on a table in a bar in Mexico, and is what you'd call "loser pissed". This shot was taken moments before he fell off the table and nearly broke his back. When I think about the pissed off gaggle of girls he bumped into on the table, and the extremely irate pile of girls he fell into, it still makes me laugh. He had a giant bruised lump on his back for about 6 months afterwards as a reminder of his distinguished evening at "El Squid Roe".

Baby 123

How did I learn all of my invaluable baby skills? Why, in my "Baby 123" manual of course! I enjoy laying back in my foam Dora the Explorer chair, and perusing the finer points of babydom. Tonight's chapters outlined 101 ways to fall and bump my head, even when mommy has "babyproofed" (ha) everything in sight, and confined me to a gated area. It also included easy instructions on how to force food into the smallest of crevices in the furniture, toys, clothing, and myself, as well as a riveting segment on how to completely alter your eating and sleeping schedule whenever mommy starts getting too confident in planning our days.
All in all, it's quite a nice read. Tommorrow, my stuffed animal book club meets to discuss one of my all time favorite inspirational books, "If you can reach it, put it in your mouth"

Night night,
Piper

Reading 

Cupcakes 

Chocolate cupcakes

Piper loves to make cupcakes with Auntie Mich, because she lets her eat with her feet instead of a spoon...

Pamper yourself

An odd bit of trivia...

Between my 4 year old lab, and my 15 month old daughter, according to my calculations, in the past 4 years I have personally handled, wiped or bagged over 1,816 servings of freshly laid poop. This is taking into account the times I did not pick up after my dog in the yard, the 100 or so diapers my husband/babysitter has changed, and the days when my daughter had eaten too much cheese. The low point of this poop saga was when my daughter's ass exploded in her crib and somehow expanded into a disgusting feces collage all over her bedding. But by that point, I had become so callous to the whole crap experience, that it was only slightly disturbing.

I'm going on a date with Robb tonight- food and shopping, sans pink monkey. It will be great to have a break from the restaurant/bar. Our grand opening is now slated for next Tuesday night.

Nap time.

Cottage Cheese & Giraffe 

Swing! 

Happy Girl 

Boy, oh boy...

I am out a lot with my daughter, and at least once or twice a month, someone says either, "Oh, what a cute baby, is it a boy or a girl?" Or, "What a cute boy!"
Um, thanks for the compliment? Granted, there are not a lot of differences in some boys and girls at 15 months old, and there are times when I would not expect anyone to know the difference, but I have given some SERIOUS CLUES, people! The copious amounts of pink clothing! The flowers and butterflies! The PINK ribbons in the pigtails in her hair! The child is always girlied up as much as possible without me actually dipping her in pink paint and glitter. Who on god's green earth would do that to a boy? I mean, if I can't tell the sex of a baby, and feel the need to say something, I go with something along the lines of, "What a little cutie pie!" Now, often, the person is old, so I'll make allowances for eyesight, dementia, etc.. but for those of you under 50- use your heads, people! Read the signs! I've made it easy for you! Honestly, it makes me want to ask them if they are a boy or a girl...

As for her name, Piper, people seem to either love it, or think I am insanely cruel for not naming my child Emily. Then I get, "Ohhhh, that's interesting... where did you get that name?" At least that is a bit more tactful... I love the name and don't mind some flack for it. Especially from someone who named her children Gertrude, Bernard and Hildegard. It's not that unusual, I've met a few Pipers, and hopefully she won't have 8 other Pipers in her class at school, which is nice.

A rose by any other name...

You say it's your birthday...

OK, I am officially overtired..
I just put the baby to bed after a long, napless day stuck indoors. Time to relax.
I just got a bag of microwave popcorn out of the cupboard, put it in the refridgerator, and sat down to wait for it to pop. Waiting. Still waiting... Then, ding! My brain brain turns back on, and I sheepishly take the popcorn out of the fridge, and put it into the microwave. Much more effective.

It's my birthday today, but it hasn't been very festive- we've already done the celebrating and gifting, so today really wasn't anything special. It's late, and Robb is still at the restaurant getting things done. I can barely complain about running on empty when that man is trying to juggle about 300 more balls then I am right now. I'm so proud of him.

I'm throwing a little extra love my dog's way tonight.
My girlfriend had to have her dog put down today, and she was completely devastated. After years of pretty serious aggression problems with the dog, this morning he bit her 2 year old daughter, out of anger, for no reason. As much as they love the dog, they were left with no other choice, and couldn't take the risk of someone being more seriously hurt in the future. Sadly, the dog would never be able to go to a new home- he doesn't like anyone but them. I feel so bad for the position my friend was put in today. If you want to judge someone getting their dog put down, please come sing me this tune after you have become a parent. Believe me, nobody is a bigger dog lover than I, but my friend did the right thing. If your child has ever been hurt, you would understand what I mean. You would move a mountain to prevent it.
Rest in peace, Rufus. I hope you are somewhere happy right now- I'll miss you, buddy.

I'm so glad that my lab is such a sweet, gentle, stinky boy. I think I'll let him sleep on the bed tonight.

Gonna go take a long shower and go to bed- sweet dreams...

Friday Night Girl...

Good things about today:

1- My mommy called me just to show me some love. It was such a lovely conversation, I'm still smiling. I've always been such a sooky baby for my mom. After a visit, when she's leaving,(she lives in Florida,)I still get a gigantic panic attack and start to cry.

2- My husband just cleaned the entire downstairs of our house while I sat on my ass in front of the computer. What a beautiful man.

3- Only 3 days until my birthday. Woo hoo! Presents! Attention! Dining out! All good stuff!

Bad things about today:

1- My baby girl was a demonic brat while I was running errands today. She wanted no part of sitting in the carseat or stroller, or being held, and shreiked like a lunatic when I tried to make her. She was like a bull in a china shop in every store. People looked at me with pity. As soon as we got home, she was instantly a lovey, smiley, kissy, angel baby again. Was she temporarily possessed? Perhaps.

2- I ate like a pig today. I've been eating garbage all week, actually. Garbage covered in butter, cheese, or mayonnaise. All carbs, all day long. I'm grossed out. Gotta start eating healthy again tommorrow.

3- My skin feels so dry and blotchy today. When I look in the mirror, I feel like I am falling down a hill towards my 40's, hitting a few ugly bumps on the way. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Get this book:

My favorite book right now is a book of photographs called "FAMILY - Moments Intimacy Laughter Kinship" from the M.I.L.K. series of books. My sweetie sister-in-law gave it to me. It is so heartwarming and beautiful. It makes me want to hug my family, then ask someone to take a picture of us. If you see it, pick it up. I think you can find out about it at www.milkfoundation.ca.

Stranger Love

A few strangers whom I love:

1. Allie Scott, the sweet angel baby, and her amazing family. Her short life was so beautiful, and it changed mine forever, to say the least. The grief I felt when she died was indescribable. You can read her story at www.Scotthousehold.com. I think of her often.

2. My online Stay at Home Moms group. They are a dozen or so women I've never met, but are a part of my daily life. We share each others' joys and sorrows, big and small, and are true friends, I believe.

3. Stacy & Clinton from TLC's "What Not to Wear". C'mon- how can you not love these two? They are so cool, it is sick. They make the world a prettier place, and they make people feel good about themselves.

4. Anyone I see doing volunteer work. I am such an admirer. I want to secretly do nice things back for all of those volunteers. I really should do that more often.

OK, maybe #3 is not really love, but the others are.

I've just had the most exhausting 2 hour conversation with my mother, but it ended on a good note. I feel like we've broken down some walls that have been building for years. I'm feeling really hopeful about our relationship, and so happy that we've finally talked about it. I love you Mom. xo

Opening Oh, So Soon

We are opening a bar/restaurant... in ONE WEEK. (gasp, stress, panic, excitement, butterflies) It is so overwhelming with everything that has to be done, and I don't know how my hardworkin' lil husband is doing it, in addition to his other full time job. If you've ever watched "Opening Soon" on TV- it's just like that, without the glamour and amazing publicity, plus we have the heavy burden of our own pesos invested, and doing a lot of the manual labour ourselves. When I say ourselves, I mean my husband Robb, (businessman and go-to-guy extrordinaire,)our dear friend Chris, (all around bar and construction genius,) and my brother-in-law, Tom, (the coolest electrician in the world.) Since I'm busy being a mom to Piper, I haven't been able to be as much of a help as I'd like on site, since they do not make hard hats in size 12-18 months. If they did, I'm sure I would already have bought one on EBay, my sick addiction.

So I've become Errand Girl. Stronger than an egg salad fart, faster than a toddler heading for the stairs, more endurance than a grape juice stain! Dum da da daaahhhh! I fetch coffee, buy things at Home Outfitters and Fabricland, give design ideas, and constantly go to Home Depot. I've become so at one with The Depot, I know the staff, they know me. When we have a babysitter, I help at the restaurant too. Cleaning, painting - y'know, all the glamorous rock star stuff.
Did I mention that we also just moved into a newly built house a few weeks ago? So I am also the involuntary project manager of all of the tradesmen finishing up the million loose ends in our home. The only thing left for us to do to shake our lives up any more this year would be to get Extreme Makeovers.

But I have to say that change has always been very good in my life, and I welcome it. I get bored easily, and I love our unpredictable and slightly unstable existance right now. I do have my rocks, Robb and Piper. Everything else can move and evolve, that's fine with me.